I don't consider myself to be any sort of authority on love and relationships. In reality, I've been in few relationships throughout my somewhat short life. As far back as I can remember, I always had a crush on someone. Whether it was a celebrity (Joey McIntyre was soooo dreamy!) or a kid in my elementary school class. Either way, when some of my classmates started "dating" in fourth or fifth grade, I began really wanting a relationship, though at that time, our perceptions were completely different.
In middle school, I guess you could say that's when everyone started "really" dating. Guys never looked to me as a romantic interest, but as the friend. Part of me was okay with this, the other part feeling like I was never going to attain my goal. For the better part of my life, guys always looked at me this way, and it bothered me greatly. Being the budding computer geek at the ripe old age of 12 or 13, I found myself on the internet a lot, and ended up with a few internet boyfriends. I use that term very loosely, but having some sort of semi-romantic interest in me seemed to fill that void for a while. Plus, I was young and stupid.
Before freshman year of high school, we had an orientation, and a friend of mine informed me that her friend thought I was cute. Now, if any of you remember or know what I looked like in my early teens, I was NOT cute! I went through my whole black-lipstick-wearing-authority-defying-Marilyn-Manson-listening phase. I wore the big platform shoes, vinyl pants, and a wardrobe that was 100% black clothing (these days its more like 98%). But back to the matter at hand, a guy was interested in me!
Shortly after that, we began talking on the phone, and had our first date. We went to see Dead Man on Campus at the movie theater in the mall. His mom dropping him off, my sister dropping me off. Ah, young love! This began what would be our six month relationship. At the end of six months, I decided it was a good idea to dump him...via a letter nonetheless. He sobbed like a baby, and I did too. Now I was going to be alone again, and still have to see him every day and that terrified me.
After several long talks and me bawling my eyes out some more, we got back together. Now, for some reason, prior to this break up, his mother always hated me. I never knew why. I was always polite, but quiet. Either way, now she really hated me.
We lasted another five months, when he broke up with me, saying he, "didn't want to be in a long relationship". Something I found amusing considering it was about a week before what would be our year anniversary. Again, I was crushed, and this time there was nothing to move on to.
I went for about seven or eight years without another relationship. In that time, I found myself on internet dating sites, trying them all (Yahoo, eharmony, match.com). I would go on dates with these guys that seemed great on the internet, yet when we met, there was nothing there. Personally, I feel that this was great for me when I look back on it. I was starting to put myself out there, and really date.
In early 2006, I was just beginning to get out into the workforce, after a few years of therapy and being an on and off student. Not long after beginning my part time job at a craft store, I began talking with my cousin's friend, who thought I was pretty. I must admit, he was very much not my type. But considering all the stuff I had just spent the last two years dealing with, I was still very vulnerable. I was just happy that he was interested in me. I was excited to finally have a real relationship!
But, that wasn't so. He was an awful excuse for a boyfriend, or any sort of romantic interest. I'm not the kind of girl that always expects a man to pay, or do things for me, but he NEVER paid for me on any occasion, always made me drive and never gave me gas money. He never wanted to go out and do things. He would come over my house daily after work, at first unexpected, but I grew to expect it. We would do nothing but watch tv, or The Sopranos (which have forever been tainted for me) and lay around. He had the upper hand, and he knew it. I was too weak to care. I just liked what little affection he gave.
After about two months of this, it came to a dreadful halt. I was completely destroyed emotionally. After this, I no longer dreamed of a relationship. I wanted nothing to do with romance in any shape or form. I began to focus on other things in my life, like working, and being with friends.
Occasionally there was a little crush here and there, but nothing really stuck. I had another five year gap of no real romantic interests. Then, I met Chad, and we all know how that story went. I by no means want to feed his ego, but Chad is proof that good ol'fashion romance is not dead. Since we're hundreds of miles away from each other, we make heavy use of the phone (texting and talking) and communicate every day. He always compliments me and tells me how much he loves me. He's always there when I need to whine, cry, or gush about something. He is what I was waiting for.
I never really believed the whole thing about finding it when you're not looking for it, but I truly feel that I am living proof. When I met Chad, I was trying to get with one of my friends, so I was not expecting any of this. I'm not saying that we have a perfect relationship, but it's pretty damn close. I've always wondered what it would feel like to find someone and feel like you're made for each other, and now I know. Now I'm just waiting for everything else to fall into place, and make this long distance relationship just a relationship.
