Life...

It's been a while. I feel like a lot has happened, but at the same time, not so much. 

I finished "school", which I will only refer to with the quotes, because I don't know if it should actually be labelled as such.  I spent five months working my butt off at some half-assed education program, which really only taught me medical terminology.  I had to take out a (fairly small) student loan, and it makes me so bitter that I'm going to have to pay back this money for something that didn't even benefit me. It makes me feel like a somewhat failure, that I try to do something to better myself and get me started on another career path, and it was completely and utterly useless...and a rip off.

Now I, like so many other people in this country, remain jobless, sending out countless resumes and cover letters with little to no response. It's so frustrating to know you have the skills and the drive to do a job, and not be recognized for it.  I did have one potential though, which is still up in the air until they sort things out after they switch their computer system.

But what do I do in the meantime? 

This position I'm in is not a happy one.  It makes me flashback to years ago when I was in a very deep depression, and just an awful place. Some days, my life resembles that, and it scares me. 

For the last few months I'd felt like everything was going up hill, now it all just feels like it's sliding back down.  It makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to have the "whole package"? I mean, right now, I have a great relationship.  Yes, it's long distance, but my boyfriend is such an amazing man, such a fantastic support, and even though we're hundreds of miles away, we communicate better than most couples probably do. If it weren't for him, I would have been deep in that black hole again. (I shouldn't, and I don't mean to discount my friends, some of them are just as great supports.)  But, one day I'd like that whole package, the relationship, the house (or apartment in our case), and the job (that doesn't make me hate life). Really, who doesn't want that? Right now, it seems completely unattainable, and I'd like to say I know that's not true, but I'm a pessimist at heart.

I even began looking at jobs down in Maryland, where Chad lives. I quickly realized that it's far more expensive to live down there after doing some searches for apartments. What we could get up here for about $600-700 is about $900-1000 down there. Honestly, I don't care where we live, it would just be nice to live together, and somewhere we could both thrive.

I have been knitting like crazy for the past month and a half, in preparation for my first convention as a real vendor, at Monster Mania next month.  Right now, thats my only "job", and mostly just a time filler.  If I weren't knitting, I'd be sleeping. I'd like for it to be a decent source of income, but I don't ever see it becoming my main source, and that's fine.  I thoroughly enjoy doing it.

It's hard to feel motivated and optimistic right now, but God knows, I'm trying.