It's been awhile...

I feel like so much has changed since I wrote in here last.  I feel that I've slowly been slipping backwards with my depression since the surgery back in February.  It triggered something in my brain which caused me to develop severe anxiety and revisit my depression.

For years I have dealt with my depression solely with therapy.  I've managed very well. Since this started, I began to pull away from a lot, if not most of the people in my life - minus my family and Chad.  I'm tired all the time, have little motivation, and for a good chunk of time right after surgery I had random uncontrollable crying fits. I've been on an antidepressant for the last month and am slowly trying to get back on track.  I know it's going to take time to get back to where I need to be, but I feel very grateful to have so much support, have a job that I enjoy (where everyone has been so great to me), and to be where I am.  It may not be where I want to be right now, but things could be much worse.

Chad and I are in the midst of researching apartments in the area, our lease is up in a matter of a few months! Very excited for this new venture of my life. We'll finally be on our own. It will be a whole new chapter for both of us! Since we will be moving shortly, we're trying our damnedest to save as much as we can, and to buy as much of the necessities so we don't end up falling short with money once we're out.

I'm trying to get as much knitting done as I can so I can make some extra money at Monster Mania in September. I'm kind of doubtful about it, I've been lacking motivation to even get that done. In due time, I guess.

I've started juicing, and am in the process of beginning a juice fast. Trying hard to get healthy, and in better shape. I know that will make a huge difference with my energy and mental health.

The Road to Recovery...

First off, I like to think that I've been fairly lucky health-wise in my life.  My family is by no means perfect, and I have been plagued with some issues throughout, but for the most part, things haven't been so bad.  I'd never had my tonsils or appendix out, I've never had a cavity, braces, or any dental work, never broke any bones (save for a severely sprained ankle back in middle school). I guess I just lived in denial that despite all of the procedures that my family has had over the years, I've been the lucky one.  I've never had to go under anesthesia, or get cut open and I counted my blessings for this.

Several years ago, I had a cyst drained from my back, and at the time, it was the most horrific pain.  So much that I never went back for them to stitch it up.  It was right smack in the middle of my back and as long at the cyst was gone, I was not about to subject myself to any more pain unless it was necessary.  And it wasn't.

My family has back problems.  My dad had an injury to his back when he was younger, had surgery.  Years ago my sister had severe back pain and was thrown into emergency surgery.  Why I thought I could avoid this, is beyond me.

Several months ago, I was down in Maryland, out with Chad and his friend. We had just left the Goodwill, which, with Chad is a task in itself.  But as I stepped off the curb and towards the parking lot, something went awry. I couldn't stand up straight, my back/leg was killing me. The worst part was that I was a good seven hour drive from home, so I called my doctor and was told the only thing I could really do would be to take some over the counter pain meds and see the doctor when I got home.

That seven hour drive was hell, but I made it.  And, over time, my back went back to it's normal self.  That is, until the weekend before my birthday.

Sunday morning, I was gearing up to make some mean scrambled eggs, bent down to grab the bowl from the cupboard, and felt something pull in my back.  It wasn't horrific, but something was definitely off.  That week I called into work one day due to the discomfort, but things seemed to be clearing up just fine on their own.

That next Saturday, I felt great! Sunday morning, Chad, Lynda, Steve and I went out to a fancy brunch as a belated birthday celebration for myself.  Low and behold, sliding out of the booth one of the last times, there it was again. Horrible, horrible back pain.  I could barely walk, standing up straight was completely out of the question.  We had other stuff planned to get done that day, so we headed home to lay down and hopefully a little rest would clear things up.

It no longer looks or feels like this! SUCCESS!!

WRONG.

The pain was completely down my leg, worse than I had ever experienced before. I could barely move, I was sobbing in pain.  Called my doctor, was told to go to urgent care.  I barely made it in and out of Chad's car, had to stand to fill out paperwork, and within minutes of the urgent care doctor seeing me, she had a note taking me out of work for the week and a diagnosis of a herniated disk.

They injected me with dilaudid, which was the worst, because it made me so lightheaded and spew not once, but twice (which is fun when your back is already feeling strained).

And so the fun really began, I was given prescriptions for valium and vicodin (mind you that up to this point, the strongest pain killer I'd ever taken was aleve). I had several lengthy phone conversations with my doctor about our next step.  In the past, the back pain had eased down on it's own within a few days, so we agreed that if there was no improvement, we'd take things from there.

Wednseday came and I seriously felt I was dying.  I wanted someone to come hack my leg off with a saw, or any dull or sharp object really.  It didn't matter. All I did was sob in pain. The nurse from my doctor's office called me and said "you're going to get an mri at 8 tonight at the hospital and you have an appointment with a neurosurgeon on Friday."

Okay, I'm sorry - what? A neurosurgeon? I insistently denied any desire for surgery, but went anyway.  The MRI nearly killed me, well at least having to lay on my back and getting up afterwards. They wanted to admit me to manage the pain, but I'm stubborn, and  I had just taken my prescriptions to take the edge off. I just wanted to go home.

So Friday came, met with my neurosurgeon, who told me I either get a laminectomy - where they cut away the piece of the disc causing the pressure, or I see how much longer I can manage with pain meds and hope it resolves on its own.  I opted for the latter.

Later that evening, I get a phone call from his office confirming a pre-op appointment for Monday, and surgery for Wednesday.  I was beyond terrified, angry, pissed off, you name it. It was too late to cancel for Monday so I left a very aggravated message on their machine.

However, my mother made it very clear - this may be my only option.  Monday morning, I called and asked for the pre op back. They put me in for Tuesday, and surgery still for Wednesday.  Now it was bad enough that I already had been an emotional and physical wreck, but surgery put me over the edge. I couldn't hold a conversation without drowning in tears.

Going in to pre-op, I cried the whole time. I told everyone how scared I was. I'd never been in the hospital before.

The next day was even worse. I spent all morning crying in pain and terrified of what was going to take place over the next few hours. What if I don't wake up? What if they find more things that need to be fixed? What if I end up paralyzed? You name it, it went through my head. I don't have anxiety about too much in my life, but this took the cake. I nearly passed out when they were prepping me with iv's. They had me in the holding area sobbing in pain until they gave me something to take the edge off, I had Chad, my mom and my sister with me, and they did not leave my side until they had to.  I was beyond a complete disaster. I remember going into the operating room, putting the mask on and falling asleep.  Waking up was traumatic, I remember throwing up and frantically asking for my mother. I was so confused and shaken. For a minute I'd forgot where I was or what was even going on.

Getting up to my room and the process of waking up was weird, but I was starving and couldn't wait to get some food in me. First thing I ate was chicken soup, and I couldn't have cared less! So right then, right out the window - there went my non meat eating ways.  So now it's safe to say I'm no longer a vegetarian.

I received some amazing care while at Rochester General.  Each nurse/care tech was pleasant and provided me with everything I possibly needed.  I'm glad I only needed one night there though. It's going to be a long road ahead, and the tough part is just beginning.

This whole situation has been a wake up call to become a better, healthier, happier me.  I have to relearn and retrain my habits, my personality.  It's scary how quickly something like this changes you.  You can't run away from it.  I still cry a lot. I have a lot of aching in my back, but if nothing else, this surgery gave me the luckiest of wake up calls - some of which people get too late.

I'm in a huge transition right now. Everything still hurts to move, but I'm doing what I can to heal. I will say though, the incision looks so gross, I'm glad it's on my back and I don't have to keep staring at it.

Well well well...

A lot has changed since I wrote in here last.

I ended up sending out lots of inquiries to random medical offices asking if they were hiring, towards the end of October.  Turns out one of them just happened to have an opening for a receptionist.  A few days later, that Friday, I had my interview, and by Monday I had a job offer.  The following Monday (Halloween to be exact), I started.  Everything seemed to fall together pretty seamlessly.  I'm getting paid a good amount, have real health insurance again (which is both a blessing and curse - I'm paying a ridiculous amount of money for it each month! Oh how I miss Medicaid already!), and so far, the job hasn't given me any panic attacks.  I work in an all female practice, and everyone for the most part, is friendly and helpful.  I don't know if this whole reception thing is what I was meant to do, but for now, it works.

Chad also moved up, and as of November first, we legally live with my sister and her husband.  Not ideal, but it seems to be a pretty decent transition for us to get our own place once this lease ends, and gives us lots of time to save up!  Chad is beginning his new job next week.  Things are good, everything is falling into place!

It's a great feeling have Chad here, and not having to worry about when he's leaving, how long until we see each other again, or how we're going to get the money to fly to see each other.  We were very fortunate to see each other as much as we did before making this transition, and everything just feels "right".  I never thought I'd have someone to wake up next to everyday, to snuggle with and to make dinner with, all those things that couples do on a regular basis  Now we have that, and it feels amazing.

This last year was an emotional roller coaster, and I have to admit I'm glad it's coming to an end shortly.  I'm very much looking towards our future and all the great things we'll be able to accomplish with each other.  Chad is my rock, my best friend, my soul mate, and I've said from the get-go that things would happen as they should. I'm glad they seem to be working in our favor.

We had our first road trip down to Maryland to spend Thanksgiving with his family. We had our first "real" Christmas together this year. Last year I flew down on Christmas day and immediately after getting off the plane, we went to his family's get together and I met everyone in his family.  It was terrifying, and it was only about a month into us dating.  This time around, as silly as it sounds, we got amazing gifts for each other (since we now know each other so much better!), and were able to appreciate being together for the holiday so much more. There's no one in the world I'd rather share these things with.

Last year, we spent our New Year's eve in Maryland.  We went to dinner at Chili's, then went home and laid in bed being all mopey because I was leaving the next day.  This year, we're going to a somewhat upscale restaurant, and since we're not drinkers, we will be ringing in the new year by drinking ginger ale out of fancy glasses.  It's the little things like this that make me realize we're pretty perfect for each other.

I know this all sounds gushy, but I'm truly experiencing what it's like to feel genuinely happy and content with life.  Sure, there is a long way to go in some aspects, but having Chad around makes things feel pretty damn near perfect.

When one door opens...

Chad went back to Maryland on Sunday.  He'll be coming back (for good...we hope) in about 2 weeks.  It feels weird that we're so close to actually living together.  At the same time, I can't help but over think/over analyze and drive myself crazy.

We may have a little issue.

Now, whatever, I'm not ashamed...I've never moved out of my parent's house. Lots of issues over the years and I just never had the financial stability to actually be out on my own.  My sister tells me that the landlord at their townhouse needs all 4 of us on the lease.  She and her husband have lived there for several years, but now they said since Chad and I will be there, we need to be approved for it too.

This is where the panic comes in.

I don't know what factors go into them approving us.  I know they do a credit check.  I have good credit, Chad has none. Chad is employed, I am not.  But the thing of it is, it's still primarily my sister and her husband that are holding the responsibility for the rent.  Chad will be contributing, and I will as well once things get on track for me.

So, I don't know...maybe it's nothing and I'm going crazy for no reason.  I'm just scared that we're so close but this roadblock is in the way.  If this option doesn't work, we are royally screwed.

I've applied to a crazy amount of jobs today, even though I'm sure about a third of them were spam.  I just need to find somewhere.  Anywhere.

In only a few weeks, it'll be Chad and my year anniversary.  It's so crazy to know that it's been a year.  It feels like it flew by, but when we weren't physically together it seemed so slow.  It's such a great feeling to have an amazing man in my life.  He unconditionally supports and loves me and showers me with affection.  He's made such a huge difference in my life and on me mentally. I don't even want to think what this year would have been like without him.  I wouldn't have been able to do it.

It's a shame that some people haven't taken the opportunity to get to know how fantastic he really is, but it isn't really my problem because I know, and thats what matters.  I could never find anyone better suited for me than Chad.  He may be my first "real" relationship/love, and we don't know what the future holds, but we are both fully embracing whatever comes our way.  Everything happens for a reason. I mean, my parents have been married for 30+ years, and my mom told me that my dad was her first real relationship.  I have a lot of hope for the things we can accomplish together.

Right now my biggest hope is that the plan for him to move up in a few weeks actually happens. I'll be lost if it doesn't.

Up & up

I feel like so much has changed since I wrote back in August.  I had a job, then I left it. Chad's now up here with me, and just began a substitute position at a child care center. It's quiet amazing really.

I could sit here and whine and bitch about finding myself unemployed again.  I was hired to do one job, in reality given another job which caused me to revisit anxiety attacks, and all of these concerns to my incompetent office manager fell on deaf ears. I quit.  I had no choice. Sure, getting a steady paycheck for a few weeks was great, but having someone repeatedly lie and deny to my face and ignore my concerns only meant that it was just a matter of time before I was going to leave anyway.  Better sooner than later, right?

So now, I'm back at square one, and while I'm not exactly thrilled about that, I am thrilled about the fact that Chad has landed a position (although, not permanent at the moment), subbing at a child care center that he really wanted to work.  I'm beyond happy for him, it means the plan is finally in motion for him to be up in Rochester full time.

I went through a bit of a mild panic stage mentally a few months ago at the idea of us actually living together.  It was like 90% excitement and 10% hesitation.  Now, we've spent so much time, it's like we've already been living together and the thought of us being miles away makes me mope.

I will admit that I've never really been super optimistic.  Over the years I've distanced from being overwhelmingly pessimistic and now consider myself to simply be a realist.  While I do look for the good in things, I also do my best not to let that overshadow the big picture. Since Chad's been in my life this past year (!!!) I feel I've allowed myself to relax, to go with the flow.  His having a job and moving up has given me hope that my turn is right around the corner. Everything happens for a reason.  We always tell each other that things have happened for us the way they were supposed to. And this is no exception.

I'll just continue to surround myself with good people and keep trying.  Eventually it'll all work out.

Coming full circle

Next month when Chad and I attend Monster Mania 20 in Hunt Valley, Maryland, it will mark a year since we first met each other.  We're also lucky enough to be able to celebrate this moment in the same place.  We're very excited about it.  We're also approaching our year anniversary in early November. 

It's a bit bizarre to think that it's almost been a year since we came into each other's lives.  I remember meeting him at Monster Mania, completely by chance (or was it?) and for whatever reason, adding him on facebook once the weekend was over.  I remember how he mildly facebook stalked me, 'liking' everything I posted, and how I suckered him into giving me his AIM screen name while I was bored at work (our first conversation being about how excited he was to see Supergirl on Smallville haha). Some of our early AIM conversations where I tried to hint at my feelings for him and him being clueless.  I remember Chad telling me that he'd done the long distance thing before, but never did he feel a real connection or want to make the effort to visit.  He said that there was just something about me - things felt different.

I remember being at Rock and Shock, sitting at the Fright Rags table and going back and forth through Facebook mobile with him and finally gathering up the courage to exchange numbers.  We began texting nonstop, and days later we had our first phone conversation. He laughed nervously, and said "totally" a lot. He also got off the phone with me to watch South Park.  

On November 3rd, I was at a show with my best friend, and we were texting once again.  I questioned why we weren't pursuing a relationship, and we both agreed it was the best next step for us. Chad came up to Rochester the weekend after.  It was our first time really seeing each other since we'd met at Monster Mania.  It was that weekend that he told me he loved me. I believed him, but I wasn't ready to say it back.  After 4 or 5 days of sorting out my brain, and crying out of happiness, I knew it was love. We had just finished a conversation on the phone. My heart was pounding and I was damn near having an anxiety attack, but I called him back, crying, and admitted to myself, and to Chad that I too was in love.

We have had our share of ups and downs over these past nine months.  We've also been very fortunate to spend so much time together.  He's heading back home tomorrow, he had six job interviews this week and one job offer on the spot.  It's surreal for us, seeing as this is a first real relationship for both of us, but we couldn't be happier.  Chad may be moving up here for good in the next few weeks.

It still hasn't completely sunk in for me that a man is picking up everything in his life and relocating for me. It's flattering, it's pressure, but most importantly it's a huge stepping stone towards our future together. Things haven't been all sunshine and roses, but every little bump in the road has made us stronger.

For Some Reason...

I have been really good all week at not getting all emotional and mopey since Chad left.


That is, until last night.  Chad received the crushing news that he was not chosen for the job that he interviewed for when he was up here.  It kind of sent me into panic mode. I don't deem myself to be codependent on him in any way, but not knowing when he's coming back up, and having this set back his move up here freaked me out.

I cried, I got mopey,  and I'm really realizing how much I've missed him this week.  I was so used to seeing him every day, and now we're back to phone calls and texts.  Those can't even compare to being able to look at him, to be in the same room as him.

I found out that I got the job that I interviewed for a few weeks ago, and I start at the end of August. I guess things for Chad and I just won't line up as easily as I thought.  I can't lie though, I'm really excited to start this job and have more structure to my life once again.

At the same time, since I have a few more weeks of unemployed life, I have a lot of time to finish knitting for conventions, and I'm thinking about going to see Chad in Maryland for a few days or a week because we don't have any definite answer of when he'll be back.

Life feels much easier and I'm much happier when he's around.  He's my best friend that I can completely be myself with and not be all self conscious about how I might look or stupid things that might come out of my mouth. I have sent him numerous links of child care places for him to check out (he's worked with kids for almost 8 years), so it better only be a matter of time before someone realizes how amazing he is and hires him.

All I would like is for him to be here now so we can snuggle and watch stupid movies. Until then...