Well well well...

A lot has changed since I wrote in here last.

I ended up sending out lots of inquiries to random medical offices asking if they were hiring, towards the end of October.  Turns out one of them just happened to have an opening for a receptionist.  A few days later, that Friday, I had my interview, and by Monday I had a job offer.  The following Monday (Halloween to be exact), I started.  Everything seemed to fall together pretty seamlessly.  I'm getting paid a good amount, have real health insurance again (which is both a blessing and curse - I'm paying a ridiculous amount of money for it each month! Oh how I miss Medicaid already!), and so far, the job hasn't given me any panic attacks.  I work in an all female practice, and everyone for the most part, is friendly and helpful.  I don't know if this whole reception thing is what I was meant to do, but for now, it works.

Chad also moved up, and as of November first, we legally live with my sister and her husband.  Not ideal, but it seems to be a pretty decent transition for us to get our own place once this lease ends, and gives us lots of time to save up!  Chad is beginning his new job next week.  Things are good, everything is falling into place!

It's a great feeling have Chad here, and not having to worry about when he's leaving, how long until we see each other again, or how we're going to get the money to fly to see each other.  We were very fortunate to see each other as much as we did before making this transition, and everything just feels "right".  I never thought I'd have someone to wake up next to everyday, to snuggle with and to make dinner with, all those things that couples do on a regular basis  Now we have that, and it feels amazing.

This last year was an emotional roller coaster, and I have to admit I'm glad it's coming to an end shortly.  I'm very much looking towards our future and all the great things we'll be able to accomplish with each other.  Chad is my rock, my best friend, my soul mate, and I've said from the get-go that things would happen as they should. I'm glad they seem to be working in our favor.

We had our first road trip down to Maryland to spend Thanksgiving with his family. We had our first "real" Christmas together this year. Last year I flew down on Christmas day and immediately after getting off the plane, we went to his family's get together and I met everyone in his family.  It was terrifying, and it was only about a month into us dating.  This time around, as silly as it sounds, we got amazing gifts for each other (since we now know each other so much better!), and were able to appreciate being together for the holiday so much more. There's no one in the world I'd rather share these things with.

Last year, we spent our New Year's eve in Maryland.  We went to dinner at Chili's, then went home and laid in bed being all mopey because I was leaving the next day.  This year, we're going to a somewhat upscale restaurant, and since we're not drinkers, we will be ringing in the new year by drinking ginger ale out of fancy glasses.  It's the little things like this that make me realize we're pretty perfect for each other.

I know this all sounds gushy, but I'm truly experiencing what it's like to feel genuinely happy and content with life.  Sure, there is a long way to go in some aspects, but having Chad around makes things feel pretty damn near perfect.

When one door opens...

Chad went back to Maryland on Sunday.  He'll be coming back (for good...we hope) in about 2 weeks.  It feels weird that we're so close to actually living together.  At the same time, I can't help but over think/over analyze and drive myself crazy.

We may have a little issue.

Now, whatever, I'm not ashamed...I've never moved out of my parent's house. Lots of issues over the years and I just never had the financial stability to actually be out on my own.  My sister tells me that the landlord at their townhouse needs all 4 of us on the lease.  She and her husband have lived there for several years, but now they said since Chad and I will be there, we need to be approved for it too.

This is where the panic comes in.

I don't know what factors go into them approving us.  I know they do a credit check.  I have good credit, Chad has none. Chad is employed, I am not.  But the thing of it is, it's still primarily my sister and her husband that are holding the responsibility for the rent.  Chad will be contributing, and I will as well once things get on track for me.

So, I don't know...maybe it's nothing and I'm going crazy for no reason.  I'm just scared that we're so close but this roadblock is in the way.  If this option doesn't work, we are royally screwed.

I've applied to a crazy amount of jobs today, even though I'm sure about a third of them were spam.  I just need to find somewhere.  Anywhere.

In only a few weeks, it'll be Chad and my year anniversary.  It's so crazy to know that it's been a year.  It feels like it flew by, but when we weren't physically together it seemed so slow.  It's such a great feeling to have an amazing man in my life.  He unconditionally supports and loves me and showers me with affection.  He's made such a huge difference in my life and on me mentally. I don't even want to think what this year would have been like without him.  I wouldn't have been able to do it.

It's a shame that some people haven't taken the opportunity to get to know how fantastic he really is, but it isn't really my problem because I know, and thats what matters.  I could never find anyone better suited for me than Chad.  He may be my first "real" relationship/love, and we don't know what the future holds, but we are both fully embracing whatever comes our way.  Everything happens for a reason. I mean, my parents have been married for 30+ years, and my mom told me that my dad was her first real relationship.  I have a lot of hope for the things we can accomplish together.

Right now my biggest hope is that the plan for him to move up in a few weeks actually happens. I'll be lost if it doesn't.

Up & up

I feel like so much has changed since I wrote back in August.  I had a job, then I left it. Chad's now up here with me, and just began a substitute position at a child care center. It's quiet amazing really.

I could sit here and whine and bitch about finding myself unemployed again.  I was hired to do one job, in reality given another job which caused me to revisit anxiety attacks, and all of these concerns to my incompetent office manager fell on deaf ears. I quit.  I had no choice. Sure, getting a steady paycheck for a few weeks was great, but having someone repeatedly lie and deny to my face and ignore my concerns only meant that it was just a matter of time before I was going to leave anyway.  Better sooner than later, right?

So now, I'm back at square one, and while I'm not exactly thrilled about that, I am thrilled about the fact that Chad has landed a position (although, not permanent at the moment), subbing at a child care center that he really wanted to work.  I'm beyond happy for him, it means the plan is finally in motion for him to be up in Rochester full time.

I went through a bit of a mild panic stage mentally a few months ago at the idea of us actually living together.  It was like 90% excitement and 10% hesitation.  Now, we've spent so much time, it's like we've already been living together and the thought of us being miles away makes me mope.

I will admit that I've never really been super optimistic.  Over the years I've distanced from being overwhelmingly pessimistic and now consider myself to simply be a realist.  While I do look for the good in things, I also do my best not to let that overshadow the big picture. Since Chad's been in my life this past year (!!!) I feel I've allowed myself to relax, to go with the flow.  His having a job and moving up has given me hope that my turn is right around the corner. Everything happens for a reason.  We always tell each other that things have happened for us the way they were supposed to. And this is no exception.

I'll just continue to surround myself with good people and keep trying.  Eventually it'll all work out.

Coming full circle

Next month when Chad and I attend Monster Mania 20 in Hunt Valley, Maryland, it will mark a year since we first met each other.  We're also lucky enough to be able to celebrate this moment in the same place.  We're very excited about it.  We're also approaching our year anniversary in early November. 

It's a bit bizarre to think that it's almost been a year since we came into each other's lives.  I remember meeting him at Monster Mania, completely by chance (or was it?) and for whatever reason, adding him on facebook once the weekend was over.  I remember how he mildly facebook stalked me, 'liking' everything I posted, and how I suckered him into giving me his AIM screen name while I was bored at work (our first conversation being about how excited he was to see Supergirl on Smallville haha). Some of our early AIM conversations where I tried to hint at my feelings for him and him being clueless.  I remember Chad telling me that he'd done the long distance thing before, but never did he feel a real connection or want to make the effort to visit.  He said that there was just something about me - things felt different.

I remember being at Rock and Shock, sitting at the Fright Rags table and going back and forth through Facebook mobile with him and finally gathering up the courage to exchange numbers.  We began texting nonstop, and days later we had our first phone conversation. He laughed nervously, and said "totally" a lot. He also got off the phone with me to watch South Park.  

On November 3rd, I was at a show with my best friend, and we were texting once again.  I questioned why we weren't pursuing a relationship, and we both agreed it was the best next step for us. Chad came up to Rochester the weekend after.  It was our first time really seeing each other since we'd met at Monster Mania.  It was that weekend that he told me he loved me. I believed him, but I wasn't ready to say it back.  After 4 or 5 days of sorting out my brain, and crying out of happiness, I knew it was love. We had just finished a conversation on the phone. My heart was pounding and I was damn near having an anxiety attack, but I called him back, crying, and admitted to myself, and to Chad that I too was in love.

We have had our share of ups and downs over these past nine months.  We've also been very fortunate to spend so much time together.  He's heading back home tomorrow, he had six job interviews this week and one job offer on the spot.  It's surreal for us, seeing as this is a first real relationship for both of us, but we couldn't be happier.  Chad may be moving up here for good in the next few weeks.

It still hasn't completely sunk in for me that a man is picking up everything in his life and relocating for me. It's flattering, it's pressure, but most importantly it's a huge stepping stone towards our future together. Things haven't been all sunshine and roses, but every little bump in the road has made us stronger.

For Some Reason...

I have been really good all week at not getting all emotional and mopey since Chad left.


That is, until last night.  Chad received the crushing news that he was not chosen for the job that he interviewed for when he was up here.  It kind of sent me into panic mode. I don't deem myself to be codependent on him in any way, but not knowing when he's coming back up, and having this set back his move up here freaked me out.

I cried, I got mopey,  and I'm really realizing how much I've missed him this week.  I was so used to seeing him every day, and now we're back to phone calls and texts.  Those can't even compare to being able to look at him, to be in the same room as him.

I found out that I got the job that I interviewed for a few weeks ago, and I start at the end of August. I guess things for Chad and I just won't line up as easily as I thought.  I can't lie though, I'm really excited to start this job and have more structure to my life once again.

At the same time, since I have a few more weeks of unemployed life, I have a lot of time to finish knitting for conventions, and I'm thinking about going to see Chad in Maryland for a few days or a week because we don't have any definite answer of when he'll be back.

Life feels much easier and I'm much happier when he's around.  He's my best friend that I can completely be myself with and not be all self conscious about how I might look or stupid things that might come out of my mouth. I have sent him numerous links of child care places for him to check out (he's worked with kids for almost 8 years), so it better only be a matter of time before someone realizes how amazing he is and hires him.

All I would like is for him to be here now so we can snuggle and watch stupid movies. Until then...

Blah

I feel so out of it today.

I just basically ended up spending the past 2 months with Chad.  I spent weeks down in Maryland, came back home, and a week after, Chad came up here and stayed for a month.  He left this morning, and I can't help but feel like there's a huge hole in my life.

We've been doing this now for almost nine months.  The distance is such a bitch, but we're so strong and continue to make it work.  We both had job interviews while he was up here.  Unfortunately, those are still up in the air at the moment.  The plan is that Chad will be up here again in a couple of weeks and he'll make contact with more places that weren't hiring before, but may be hiring in the coming weeks.  Either way, it's weird to be home in my bed, alone.  Leaving is so hard, and it hits both of us harder each time.

I tend to not really think about things until I am forced to.  I need to knit my ass off these next few weeks so I'll be prepared for Horrorfind and Monster Mania conventions in September.  I need to make some serious cash.

I don't know what else to say, except that I have felt weird and out of sorts all day.  I hate this feeling, and it needs to go away.

True Life Relationships

So I've been sick lately and that of course means lots of TV watching.

Today I caught a few episodes of MTV's True Life.  One was, I'm At A Crossroads in My Relationship, and the other was I'm Relocating for Love.

Now, I will admit that I've had some less than wonderful relationships in the past, and I get that there's the magic of TV editing, but why is it that every couple on True Life seems to hate each other or argue constantly?  It's not even petty little arguments, it's mostly about one person feeling unhappy or both of them yelling at each other.  If this is something that comes up regularly, WHY ARE THESE COUPLES TOGETHER?

I don't claim to have a perfect relationship by any means, but Chad and I have done damn well so far.  We celebrate our 6 month anniversary in a few days, and although we live hundreds of miles away from each other, we've managed to spend lots of time together and we've become very comfortable and close.  We have a very inconvenient relationship, in the sense that we go for weeks without seeing each other, and have to depend on finding cheap flights, talking through texts, or phone calls.

Needless to say, this is the happiest I've ever been, and in a few months Chad will be moving up here.  Even then, I don't expect to have a perfect relationship, I'm sure we'll have our fair share of ups or downs, but at this point we haven't even had an argument.  We're very good at expressing our feelings and resolving frustrations before they get to a boiling point.  We're not only in a relationship, but we're best friends as well.

So maybe these people just don't know how to effectively communicate.  Maybe they're just settling or afraid to be alone.  Either way, if I ever find myself being truly unhappy or uninterested, that's when I'll know to walk away.  Relationships can be about comfort, but it can't be healthy to stay in one solely for feeling that way.

Stuck

I'm in the same place I was last time I posted.  Still jobless.  It's really depressing at this point.  Luckily I have been getting some orders through Knit Terrors, but I still need something steady so I can move out.

Chad is seriously looking into moving up here, something we tried to keep quiet for a while but now it's out in the open.  We have the support of basically everyone around us, and people are trying to help us make it happen.  So now not only am I looking for a job here, but so is Chad. Ideally, he'd be up here within the next few months.  We have the opportunity to move in with my sister and her husband, which will help the four of us out greatly.  It'll only be temporary, but it will be a lot less stress, and a good adjustment period for us.

Chad came up last Wednesday and left yesterday.  I still can't explain it, but I feel like such a better person when he's around.  I feel overwhelmingly happy, and I know that others can see it too.  He's such an amazing human being.  We've grown really close over the past six months (although we've only been in a relationship for five).  We've also grown very much individually.  We feel closer and more comfortable each time one of us visits, which also makes it a million times harder when one of us has to leave.

I feel like I lucked out with Chad, and that he truly is my soulmate.  That's something I used to scoff at, the idea of true romantic love. I feel fortunate that I've been getting to know all the facets of his personality, and I see a side of him that not a lot of people either get a chance to, or want to see.  I wish for other people to see it. I feel at home when I'm with him. I can't put it any better than that.

I somehow managed to pull something major in my back this weekend, and I am experiencing pain that I never had to in the past.  I was at the point last night where it took me about 5-10 minutes to get out of bed successfully without feeling like the right side of my body was going to fall off.  Pain shooting down my leg, I couldn't sleep on my right side (which I usually do).  It was hell, and I got maybe three hours of sleep last night.  I ended up taking a nap on the couch for most of the morning, and I somehow feel better. So I'm wondering if I just pulled something and my bed/the bed at my sister's just aggravated it.  Either way, I feel a tiny bit better now, but not going to start running laps or anything.  I did, however, read that exercising/using the elliptical may help so I might be able to try that a bit later.  I hate laying in bed.

I have some knitting orders to finish up, then it's time to start knitting for conventions coming up in the next few months.  Here's to hoping my hands don't fall off!

Slowly But Surely...

Things in my life still aren't happening as fast as I'd like them too, but lately I just have a general feeling that it is all going to change.  Baby steps. I guess it's true that something worth having is worth waiting for, but if you know me, you know I'm a rather impatient person.  One thing that I've been trying to learn is the importance of being patient.  It's rough.

I just spent over a week with Chad.  A trip, which was only supposed to be 6 days, ended up lasting 9.  Last Sunday, the 3rd, was our five month anniversary.  No big deal to some, but we like to acknowledge these things.  Each month it gets trickier to figure out who's visiting who.  Long distance is hard. And expensive.  But Chad came up here and we were excited to FINALLY be able to spend an anniversary together in person.  Something that we haven't been able to do so far.

So we decide on dinner and a movie.  A simple date (hey, we're easy to please!), but we're such geeks when it comes to doing all this cutesy couple stuff.  We end up going to dinner, and then head over to see Limitless at the move theater.  Long story short, Chad ended up with a nasty stomach bug.  It lasted only about a day or two...and then I got it. It took me about 3 days to fully get over it.  It was awful, and Chad decided to change his flight (which was not cheap to do) to stay a few extra days to take care of me and be able to spend a little more time with me.

I must say, seeing each other completely helpless, whiney, beyond sick, and essentially at our worst, really brought us closer together.  We had a very interesting time this week and learned more about each other (not just due to sickness) and gained new understanding towards one another.  A few nights ago we jokingly decided to play "Truth or Dare" as we lay in bed, which we decided to just turn into a game of "Truth". It was nice to come out and ask things that we probably wouldn't have otherwise.

Every day I look more and more forward to seeing our relationship grow, and how we grow together.  It's comforting to feel like you truly have met your other half.  It's heartbreaking when one of us goes away.  But that is something that may be changing sooner rather than later... ;)

I dropped him off at the airport a few hours ago, and now he's back home, and I'm in mine.  He comes back in 11 days and is going to spend Easter with me and my family. No time for moping!

My First Time...

...as a vendor!

Last weekend, I attended my second Monster Mania convention. I went to my first Monster Mania back in September, in Hunt Valley, MD.  It was there where I really met Chad.  It was also the first time I made dolls (one Freddy and one Michael).  Last weekend at the MM in Cherry Hill, NJ was the first time attending a convention with Chad, and being on my own as a vendor.

I've been to few conventions, having only begun doing so last September, and since I've been going, I usually have been with my bff Kristy, who works for Fright Rags and I would help her sell/watch the table if she needed to step away, etc. But being a "real" vendor on my own was such a thrill!

I flew down to Maryland earlier in the week to spend time with Chad and had sent all my items down previously.  After putting the finishing touches on most of the dolls (also thanks to Chad's mom for helping, and Chad for attempting to help) sewing the tags on, and printing out price lists, I felt really excited and ready.

Early Friday morning, we loaded up his car, and were on the road around 10:30 so we could make it to vendor check in on time (which began at noon).  About an hour into our venture, Chad realized he left something pretty important at home, and we headed back.  What was supposed to be a 2.5 hour trip ended up being a 6 hour trip also thanks to Jersey traffic.  Oh well, what's a road trip without some minor hiccups?  At least we ended up at the hotel safely and in one piece.

When we finally arrived, the convention had just started.  We unloaded and I immediately threw all my stuff on the table and got to chit chat with my pal Jes, who was selling her awesome artwork.

It was definitely very different being on the vendor side of things.  I'm used to walking around for hours, meeting numerous celebs and buying crap I have no room for.  Instead, I spent my days mostly sitting behind my table, which was actually pretty draining (and did a number on my vocal cords). I wouldn't have traded it for anything though.  I got to meet a lot of people and customers that I've interacted with through email or Facebook, I got to see people's reactions to my products and did a bit of networking.

Chad with Nick Castle and the Michael Knit Terror

Chad was a huge help that weekend, he ran around for me so much and sacrificed a good chunk of his hang out time with friends to sit at the table with me.  We were both exhausted all weekend, but I wanted to make sure he still got to have his fun.  I don't know what I would have done without him.

Despite feeling absolutely horrendous, we ended up doing a Dirty Santa get together with a bunch of Chad's friends.  It was a lot of fun, and I ended up with a copy of Robert Englund's "Hollywood Monster".

Michael Baldwin and myself

Sunday was pretty lackluster.  I was really low on dolls (went from over 50 on Friday and was left with about 5 on Sunday).  Since the day was a little slow, I was able to walk around with Kristy and Chad a bit.  Met Michael Baldwin of Phantasm Nick Castle and Doug Bradley (both loved and now own their dolls).  

Doug Bradley, Pinhead Knit Terror and myself

Packing up was a little depressing, and would have been a lot more boring if it weren't for Jes' daughter Maeby playing around and crawling under my table.  She had me cracking up!  We had about an hour and a half of nothing until a bunch of us were going to hit up the Pop Shop.  Dinner was great, about 20 of us there, and racked up a bill of over $400. 

me & Kristy. I looked (and felt) so exhausted!

Luckily, Chad and my drive home wasn't too bad, and we made it home in the time we were supposed to, and safely.

Such a long weekend, but it was such a great experience! I won't be vending again until MM in August, then the plan is to do Horrorfind, MM Hunt Valley and Rock & Shock as well.  

Planning My Escape

So tomorrow morning I have a job interview at a medical office fairly close to my house.  This barely phases me anymore.  I've been on several interviews, and I know I interview really well, but nothing has (obviously) come of it.  I desperately need to find a decent paying job like yesterday.  It's severely diminishing any sort of optimism I've had regarding the goals I want to achieve this year.  It's very frustrating.

Tomorrow afternoon, I finally get to leave here, and be gone for 10 days! I'm going to Maryland to spend quality time with my man, and it's going to be the longest amount of time we've spent together as of yet.  I'm very excited, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous too.  Life is so great when we're together, it's like everything else in the world disappears.  We're content doing nothing, and really enjoy these trips.  I just can't wait for the day when we live together. Sigh.

Next weekend we're going to Monster Mania.  We met at Monster Mania in September, so I'm very jazzed to be going to this one with him.  I've been getting really excited lately, as we've been talking about and planning which conventions we'd like to go to this year.  It's pretty exciting for me, and us as a couple.  This MM will be my second time vending as Knit Terrors, but this time it'll just be with my artist friend, Jes.  Since I've started going to cons, I've helped Kristy at the Fright Rags table, but it's different being able to sell my own stuff and have people interested in talking to me about what I'm doing and my products.  I just hope we do well at this, I hope we're both successful.  Next weekend also serves as a mini vacation for me and Chad, and I'm looking forward to being able to spend some real alone time together as well as getting to hang around with his friends.  This little getaway is definitely something we both need.

I've been feeling pretty bummy lately, and haven't had much ambition, or much reason to do anything but watch tv all day.  Partly depression, partly frustration as well as a result of no income.  The other day, Chad came up with a creative endeavor for us to pursue, and I'm really excited for it.  I truly feel like we're each other's missing piece of the puzzle. It also gives me the opportunity to do a bit of designing again, which is neat. I can't wait to start really brainstorming and getting to do this with him.  I love sharing the same goal.

Life has been pretty uneventful lately, so these are the little things I have to look forward to.  Right now, I think they're just what I need.

The One Thing I Will Never Get Rid Of

...My She-ra collection.

Starburst She-ra!

Anyone who was a child of the 80's knows who she was. She-ra is hands down my favorite heroine/superhero of all time.  I still have all my She-ra toys, which at the moment are stored away in my parent's garage.  Like most kids, I had a lot of toys, most of which were missing parts or extremities.  But, for some reason, my collection of She-ra toys stayed intact. 

Since my stuff is stored away, I can't post photos of my actual collection, so I had to swipe some from the web in the meantime.  I also have a red She-ra duffel bag that I store all my figures in, which I couldn't find a photo of...so I'm thinking it might be a pretty rare find! It's not an extensive collection, but it's a huge part of my childhood that I don't know I could ever part ways with.

She-ra

Bow

Angella

Glimmer

Peekablue

Perfuma

Crystal Sundancer

Crystal Swiftwind

Enchanta

Crystal Castle (Surprisingly, I think I have all of the pieces to this still!)

In addition to these, I also have several of the Golden Girl & the Guardians of the Gemstone figures as well.  I never really knew who they were, but I know my parents bought them for me and my sister. They were like the redheaded stepchild of She-ra.

Saphire

Vultura

Moth Lady

Rubee

Although, I think in my collection, half of the Golden Girls have a detached limb.

True Love!

I don't consider myself to be any sort of authority on love and relationships.  In reality, I've been in few relationships throughout my somewhat short life.  As far back as I can remember, I always had a crush on someone.  Whether it was a celebrity (Joey McIntyre was soooo dreamy!) or a kid in my elementary school class. Either way, when some of my classmates started "dating" in fourth or fifth grade, I began really wanting a relationship, though at that time, our perceptions were completely different.

In middle school, I guess you could say that's when everyone started "really" dating. Guys never looked to me as a romantic interest, but as the friend.  Part of me was okay with this, the other part feeling like I was never going to attain my goal. For the better part of my life, guys always looked at me this way, and it bothered me greatly.  Being the budding computer geek at the ripe old age of 12 or 13, I found myself on the internet a lot, and ended up with a few internet boyfriends.  I use that term very loosely, but having some sort of semi-romantic interest in me seemed to fill that void for a while.  Plus, I was young and stupid.

Before freshman year of high school, we had an orientation, and a friend of mine informed me that her friend thought I was cute.  Now, if any of you remember or know what I looked like in my early teens, I was NOT cute!  I went through my whole black-lipstick-wearing-authority-defying-Marilyn-Manson-listening phase.  I wore the big platform shoes, vinyl pants, and a wardrobe that was 100% black clothing (these days its more like 98%).  But back to the matter at hand, a guy was interested in me! 

Shortly after that, we began talking on the phone, and had our first date. We went to see Dead Man on Campus at the movie theater in the mall.  His mom dropping him off, my sister dropping me off. Ah, young love! This began what would be our six month relationship.  At the end of six months, I decided it was a good idea to dump him...via a letter nonetheless.  He sobbed like a baby, and I did too.  Now I was going to be alone again, and still have to see him every day and that terrified me. 

After several long talks and me bawling my eyes out some more, we got back together.  Now, for some reason, prior to this break up, his mother always hated me.  I never knew why.  I was always polite, but quiet. Either way, now she really hated me.

We lasted another five months, when he broke up with me, saying he, "didn't want to be in a long relationship".  Something I found amusing considering it was about a week before what would be our year anniversary.  Again, I was crushed, and this time there was nothing to move on to.

I went for about seven or eight years without another relationship.  In that time, I found myself on internet dating sites, trying them all (Yahoo, eharmony, match.com).  I would go on dates with these guys that seemed great on the internet, yet when we met, there was nothing there. Personally, I feel that this was great for me when I look back on it.  I was starting to put myself out there, and really date.  

In early 2006, I was just beginning to get out into the workforce, after a few years of therapy and being an on and off student. Not long after beginning my part time job at a craft store, I began talking with my cousin's friend, who thought I was pretty. I must admit, he was very much not my type.  But considering all the stuff I had just spent the last two years dealing with, I was still very vulnerable.  I was just happy that he was interested in me. I was excited to finally have a real relationship!

But, that wasn't so.  He was an awful excuse for a boyfriend, or any sort of romantic interest.  I'm not the kind of girl that always expects a man to pay, or do things for me, but he NEVER paid for me on any occasion, always made me drive and never gave me gas money.  He never wanted to go out and do things. He would come over my house daily after work, at first unexpected, but I grew to expect it. We would do nothing but watch tv, or The Sopranos (which have forever been tainted for me) and lay around. He had the upper hand, and he knew it. I was too weak to care.  I just liked what little affection he gave.

After about two months of this, it came to a dreadful halt. I was completely destroyed emotionally.  After this, I no longer dreamed of a relationship. I wanted nothing to do with romance in any shape or form.  I began to focus on other things in my life, like working, and being with friends. 

Occasionally there was a little crush here and there, but nothing really stuck.  I had another five year gap of no real romantic interests.  Then, I met Chad, and we all know how that story went.  I by no means want to feed his ego, but Chad is proof that good ol'fashion romance is not dead.  Since we're hundreds of miles away from each other, we make heavy use of the phone (texting and talking) and communicate every day.  He always compliments me and tells me how much he loves me.  He's always there when I need to whine, cry, or gush about something. He is what I was waiting for.  

I never really believed the whole thing about finding it when you're not looking for it, but I truly feel that I am living proof.  When I met Chad, I was trying to get with one of my friends, so I was not expecting any of this.  I'm not saying that we have a perfect relationship, but it's pretty damn close.  I've always wondered what it would feel like to find someone and feel like you're made for each other, and now I know. Now I'm just waiting for everything else to fall into place, and make this long distance relationship just a relationship.

My Love Affair With a Short Italian Plumber

So Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and while I'm pretty thrilled to have someone in my life that I love for the first time to celebrate this Hallmark holiday, I must confess that my true, lifelong love is a short, Italian plumber named Mario.  Yes, Mario.  While most of my friends live, breathe, and geek out over horror movies, my geekdom lies primarily in video games. You all know him, some love him more than others, some hate him. But for me, it was love at first sight.  I'm a child of the 80s, and I think I got to grow up during the best decades.  The 80s were a time when video games were beginning to rise and set the precedent for what we have today.  

Atari 2600 console

Growing up in my house, as far back as I can remember, we had an Atari 2600.  It was my parent's, but my sister and I would always play it.  Looking back, I still enjoy some of those games.  Games on Atari required you to stretch your imagination, but at the same time there wasn't much to compare it to since it took years for the graphics to advance.  One thing I always noticed though, was that the artwork on the box/cartridge was always pretty badass compared to what you saw when you turned the console on. The games were simple, but man they were fun.

Popeye game for Atari

The original NES

In 1986, Nintendo came out with their first Nintendo Entertainment System (NES), in the US.  The console itself retailed for $250 when packaged with the zapper gun and Duck Hunt.  By 1991, the price dropped to about $100 and included not only the zapper and Duck Hunt, but the beginning of my love affair, Super Mario Bros.  I never had a NES, but I always wanted one.  Luckily, several of my neighbors had it, as well as my cousin.  I could play those games for hours, even though I was never that great at them. It's the one thing I wanted more than anything as a child, and while I wasn't exactly deprived, it's something I never got.  

The first time we met, Super Mario Bros on NES

Gameboy

In 1989, Nintendo came out with the first handheld gaming console, Gameboy.  I wanted this badly, and I don't remember exactly how old I was, but my parents eventually got me one.  Maybe they were sick of me whining about wanting a NES.  The only games I had (and that I wanted, really) were Super Mario Land, and Kirby's Dreamland.  The display was black and green, and left a bit to be desired, it was able to able to satisfy my love for Mario for the time being.

Super Mario Land on Gameboy

SNES. The greatest video game console of all time.

Then everything changed. In 1991, Nintendo released my favorite console to date, Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES).  It retailed for about $200, and I wanted it. Badly.  Again, I was lucky enough to know people who had the system, and that only made me want it more. Now my love affair with Mario really grew.  Even though these days we have more advanced systems, I will always stand firm on my opinion that the SNES is the greatest gaming console of all time. I'll take those 16-bit games over what ever technology seems to come up with next.

Super Mario World on SNES

I dare anyone to argue with the greatness of the SNES games.  Super Mario World, Street Fighter II, Mortal Kombat, Mario Kart, Zombies Ate My Neighbors, Wario's Woods, Paperboy, the list goes on. While I longed to own one of these as a child, I didn't acquire one until all of my friends chipped in and bought it for me, along with a handful of games, for my 16th birthday.  To this day, best birthday present ever! It's still hooked up in my bedroom.

Nintendo's "competitor", Sega Genesis. No competition if you ask me.

When I was about seven or eight years old, I ended up winning a Sega Genesis. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited, but I'd also be lying if I said I didn't wish it was a SNES instead.  Sega was a decent competitor, but it still didn't come close to the SNES.  The console came with the game, Altered Beast, and since I was a huge wuss at that age, playing it ended up giving me nightmares and my mom wouldn't let me play it after 5 or 6 pm to help prevent that (which didn't really work).  My family ended up with a huge amount of games for the Sega. Among them, Sonic the Hedgehog, Flicky, T2, and which ever games came with Sega's answer to the SNES Super Scope, the Menacer.

Altered Beast on Sega Genesis

It was a decent filler until I received that SNES on my 16th birthday, after which I sold all my Sega stuff to my sister.

To this day, my love for Mario and Nintendo in general runs strong. I have the wii, and the games I play the most are all Mario related.  I grew up loving the 16-bit graphics, and I am still very iffy on the more realistic games that are around today.  One night after whining about how badly I wanted it, my boyfriend went out and bought me the limited edition Super Mario All-Stars wii for my birthday.  My love for Mario will never die, and if I had to pick one, I'd say that Super Mario World is my favorite video game of all time.

The Mario games essentially are this love story of a short, Italian plumber taking on whatever and whoever gets in his way on his quest to save his love, Princess Peach. What's more romantic than that?  All men should aspire to have such deep love and aspiration for the one they love. So here's to Mario, and our twenty-some year love affair.

Life...

It's been a while. I feel like a lot has happened, but at the same time, not so much. 

I finished "school", which I will only refer to with the quotes, because I don't know if it should actually be labelled as such.  I spent five months working my butt off at some half-assed education program, which really only taught me medical terminology.  I had to take out a (fairly small) student loan, and it makes me so bitter that I'm going to have to pay back this money for something that didn't even benefit me. It makes me feel like a somewhat failure, that I try to do something to better myself and get me started on another career path, and it was completely and utterly useless...and a rip off.

Now I, like so many other people in this country, remain jobless, sending out countless resumes and cover letters with little to no response. It's so frustrating to know you have the skills and the drive to do a job, and not be recognized for it.  I did have one potential though, which is still up in the air until they sort things out after they switch their computer system.

But what do I do in the meantime? 

This position I'm in is not a happy one.  It makes me flashback to years ago when I was in a very deep depression, and just an awful place. Some days, my life resembles that, and it scares me. 

For the last few months I'd felt like everything was going up hill, now it all just feels like it's sliding back down.  It makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to have the "whole package"? I mean, right now, I have a great relationship.  Yes, it's long distance, but my boyfriend is such an amazing man, such a fantastic support, and even though we're hundreds of miles away, we communicate better than most couples probably do. If it weren't for him, I would have been deep in that black hole again. (I shouldn't, and I don't mean to discount my friends, some of them are just as great supports.)  But, one day I'd like that whole package, the relationship, the house (or apartment in our case), and the job (that doesn't make me hate life). Really, who doesn't want that? Right now, it seems completely unattainable, and I'd like to say I know that's not true, but I'm a pessimist at heart.

I even began looking at jobs down in Maryland, where Chad lives. I quickly realized that it's far more expensive to live down there after doing some searches for apartments. What we could get up here for about $600-700 is about $900-1000 down there. Honestly, I don't care where we live, it would just be nice to live together, and somewhere we could both thrive.

I have been knitting like crazy for the past month and a half, in preparation for my first convention as a real vendor, at Monster Mania next month.  Right now, thats my only "job", and mostly just a time filler.  If I weren't knitting, I'd be sleeping. I'd like for it to be a decent source of income, but I don't ever see it becoming my main source, and that's fine.  I thoroughly enjoy doing it.

It's hard to feel motivated and optimistic right now, but God knows, I'm trying. 

Happiness is...

For the first time in my life, I was fortunate enough to be able to spend the holidays with a significant other.  Being able to celebrate these occasions actually WITH somebody, has really made a difference.  I've been feeling optimistic lately, like things in my life are all starting to come together.  Strange, but wonderful feeling.

Chad came up here for Thanksgiving, and spent it with my family, so it was only fair that I head on down to Maryland for Christmas.  I was able to spend Christmas day with him and his family, which was so great.  I loved being able to get a glimpse of what his life is really like, seeing as we're hundreds of miles away from each other.  I got to meet his mother and a lot of his family, which was a little overwhelming for me at first, but I quickly became comfortable. I was also able to end 2010 and start of 2011 with him.  I've never 'had' someone on New Year's eve.  We spent it alone, and called it a night pretty early, since I had an early flight the next morning.  Couldn't have asked for a more perfect start to a new year.

I've never spent a week solid with anyone before, and usually when I'm with friends for more than a day or two, I usually end up annoyed at some point, or some little argument comes up. However, this week was quite the opposite.  If anything, I felt more myself with Chad, and he got to see a whole other stupid/silly side of me (which resulted in him at one point falling on the floor laughing at me). We did a lot of laughing, but also had some really great emotional moments.  We didn't have a care in the world this week, and only worried about being in the moment as much as possible and enjoyed each other's company.

I was computer-free for most of the week, hardly paid attention to my phone, barely knitted (I couldn't help myself!), and didn't stress about work or school. I only worried about enjoying the time we had. It was the best week ever, and made me look forward to the future even more.

I turn 27 in two weeks, and I'm finally starting to feel like everything is beginning to come together.  I have a lot of hard work ahead still, and some areas of my life that could still be improved, but I'm feeling more and more confident that things will fall into place.  I'm starting an internship in a few weeks, and searching for a place to start my new career, as well as putting more time into Knit Terrors. I have a lot of projects I'd like to complete for Monster Mania in March.  I'm very much looking forward to having Chad by my side, helping me vend and just to get to hang out with him and his friends. I don't believe in attaining happiness solely through having a man in my life, but it's nice to have someone along for the ride.