When one door opens...

Chad went back to Maryland on Sunday.  He'll be coming back (for good...we hope) in about 2 weeks.  It feels weird that we're so close to actually living together.  At the same time, I can't help but over think/over analyze and drive myself crazy.

We may have a little issue.

Now, whatever, I'm not ashamed...I've never moved out of my parent's house. Lots of issues over the years and I just never had the financial stability to actually be out on my own.  My sister tells me that the landlord at their townhouse needs all 4 of us on the lease.  She and her husband have lived there for several years, but now they said since Chad and I will be there, we need to be approved for it too.

This is where the panic comes in.

I don't know what factors go into them approving us.  I know they do a credit check.  I have good credit, Chad has none. Chad is employed, I am not.  But the thing of it is, it's still primarily my sister and her husband that are holding the responsibility for the rent.  Chad will be contributing, and I will as well once things get on track for me.

So, I don't know...maybe it's nothing and I'm going crazy for no reason.  I'm just scared that we're so close but this roadblock is in the way.  If this option doesn't work, we are royally screwed.

I've applied to a crazy amount of jobs today, even though I'm sure about a third of them were spam.  I just need to find somewhere.  Anywhere.

In only a few weeks, it'll be Chad and my year anniversary.  It's so crazy to know that it's been a year.  It feels like it flew by, but when we weren't physically together it seemed so slow.  It's such a great feeling to have an amazing man in my life.  He unconditionally supports and loves me and showers me with affection.  He's made such a huge difference in my life and on me mentally. I don't even want to think what this year would have been like without him.  I wouldn't have been able to do it.

It's a shame that some people haven't taken the opportunity to get to know how fantastic he really is, but it isn't really my problem because I know, and thats what matters.  I could never find anyone better suited for me than Chad.  He may be my first "real" relationship/love, and we don't know what the future holds, but we are both fully embracing whatever comes our way.  Everything happens for a reason. I mean, my parents have been married for 30+ years, and my mom told me that my dad was her first real relationship.  I have a lot of hope for the things we can accomplish together.

Right now my biggest hope is that the plan for him to move up in a few weeks actually happens. I'll be lost if it doesn't.

Up & up

I feel like so much has changed since I wrote back in August.  I had a job, then I left it. Chad's now up here with me, and just began a substitute position at a child care center. It's quiet amazing really.

I could sit here and whine and bitch about finding myself unemployed again.  I was hired to do one job, in reality given another job which caused me to revisit anxiety attacks, and all of these concerns to my incompetent office manager fell on deaf ears. I quit.  I had no choice. Sure, getting a steady paycheck for a few weeks was great, but having someone repeatedly lie and deny to my face and ignore my concerns only meant that it was just a matter of time before I was going to leave anyway.  Better sooner than later, right?

So now, I'm back at square one, and while I'm not exactly thrilled about that, I am thrilled about the fact that Chad has landed a position (although, not permanent at the moment), subbing at a child care center that he really wanted to work.  I'm beyond happy for him, it means the plan is finally in motion for him to be up in Rochester full time.

I went through a bit of a mild panic stage mentally a few months ago at the idea of us actually living together.  It was like 90% excitement and 10% hesitation.  Now, we've spent so much time, it's like we've already been living together and the thought of us being miles away makes me mope.

I will admit that I've never really been super optimistic.  Over the years I've distanced from being overwhelmingly pessimistic and now consider myself to simply be a realist.  While I do look for the good in things, I also do my best not to let that overshadow the big picture. Since Chad's been in my life this past year (!!!) I feel I've allowed myself to relax, to go with the flow.  His having a job and moving up has given me hope that my turn is right around the corner. Everything happens for a reason.  We always tell each other that things have happened for us the way they were supposed to. And this is no exception.

I'll just continue to surround myself with good people and keep trying.  Eventually it'll all work out.